So lets straighten this out. Coffee is something I thoroughly enjoy, but in good measure. I love doing the good old Italian/Parisian thing of sitting down in a café with a nice cup of coffee chatting with a friend or people watching. But it seems that since the 60s the usage of coffee has begun to be abused. Coffee originally was meant for its quality, not its quantity. If there is one thing I have observed when it comes to coffee, is working people (especially the teachers) pouring crazy amounts of coffee down their throats every hour, half an hour… hell every five minutes. Rather than the original cup of coffee which came in a nice small cup for your sipping delight, now businesses like Starschmucks and Coasta serve people coffee in ‘cups’ which seem to have the same diameter as St. Peter’s dome. The thing I find most funny is people who claim they need their caffeine fix to ‘get through the day’.
“Ooooh! But it contains caffeine which makes it addictive!”
“Yeh, well chocolate is addictive and you know what happens if you eat 50 bars a day… you get fat!”
Coffee is one of those things that is meant to be enjoyed for its taste and texture at the right moments, say after a nice meal, maybe with your breakfast, or as an afternoon break to relax you; NOT to get you going. Its silly how these days every person seems to be taking some form of external substance to ‘get them motivated’.
“Oooo, I need my lucozade before I do sport or else I am incapable of running!!”
“If I don’t have my daily intake of sugar on my cereal I can’t stay awake!!”
Seriously? It seems that today everyone has to be on some kind of prescribed whatever, for ‘a cold, for ‘a headache’. These are just natural things that happen to everyone, and taking pills is not going to eliminate or stop them from happening.
“Here, take the blue pill twice a day, and the yellow one after every shower, and then take 10 of these before you go to bed, and that will get rid of that blocked up nose!”
“Well, why don’t I just wait for my immune system to kick in and kill off the virus?”
“Well, I suppose you could do that… but take the pills just in case.”
Christ. And then when you do go to these corporate coffee shops because they are the only ones available because they have taken over every other independent coffee shop, I don’t understand why everything has to be made so complicated. You cannot just ask for a simple coffee. It has to be either a gingerbread flavoured chocolate-topped americano, or a cinnamon sprinkled extra-fruity pineapple cappuccino, or an extra foamy chopped-banana latte. I just want a coffee. Black coffee. Just… COFFEE! And since when did small, medium and large become Tall, Grande and Venti. Venti doesn’t even mean anything, and how on earth can a small cup of coffee be called Tall? Isn’t small, supposed to be the opposite of tall? Or at least in the real world it is anyway. And if I ask for a small coffee, don’t act like I’m speaking in that Native American language used in World War II to deliver coded messages.
“I would like a coffee please.”
“Would you like the Christmas special, or the mango infused one with pumpkin topping?”
“…Mango infus…? No thanks, just a small coffee would be great.”
“So, would you like that to be tall, grande or venti?”
“I’m sorry what?... Um, I just said, whichever is the smallest.”
“OK that’ll be £17.99. Would you like to pay with your Starschumcks credit card today?”
“Credit card?! For a COFFEE SHOP?!?! You’ve got to be joking.”
“Look, I’m just doing my job.”
“Then just please go get me a coffee!”
“… Sorry, what was your order again?”
“…Forget it. I can buy myself a ‘tall’ cup of coffee for £1 at the coffee shop round the corner.”
“But then you don’t get the trendy Starschmucks coffee cup that you can carry around with you like a status symbol!”
“Go choke on a Biscotti.”
Whilst drinking your cappuccino or frothy latte, listen to ‘Louie, Louie’ by Richard Berry.
If the double espresso is more to your taste, have a go with ‘Born Too Slow’ by the Crystal Method.
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